I'll just disclaimer now and say that you might be offended by the language in this post and it should probably be rated "R". The only way to clean it up a bit is to abbreviate - believe me, though, I was thinking (or saying quietly to myself) nothing of abbreviations but full words. Sorry 'bout it!!
The kids and I are trapped inside the house because of a snow storm. Dave is out of town until Friday so we are in for the long haul. Even though the kids didn't need a bath, I figured I'd let them play in the tub anyway. They sort of get a break from me and I sort of get a break from them so it works - except for tonight!!
The kids are playing in the bathtub and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor on the phone to Stacy. She and I are talking about how it's nice to have a drink every once in a while to help you relax as long as it's not a way to escape reality. (oh the irony about to come)
I hear Noah cry out - "Oh Natalie!!!! Did you poop!?!?!?!"
I jump to my feet, run to the bathroom to see a single "floater" bobbing along in the tub. Noah is standing as far away from everything as possible in a tub filled with toys, water, Natalie and, apparently, her poop. He has such a disgusted look on his face and glances at me with desperation when I say, "Natalie!!! Did you poop in the tub?!?! You did poop in the tub!!!! Natalie!!! Oh - I can't believe this!!! Stacy, I have go!" I stumble for a moment on my new reality - (gag) WTF am I supposed to do now!?!?!
I take a little toy cup from the pile of bathtub toys and scoop the floater (gag) into the toilet (gag). I toss the cup in the garbage (gag) and pull Noah (who is still very traumatized) from the tub. I wrap him a towel and tell him to go to the other bathroom because he has to be washed again.
Natalie is still sitting there looking at me like "Why are you freaking out?! It's not a big deal!" Of course this isn't a big deal to her. I'm the one that had to scoop it out.
I pick her up out of the tub and see that there isn't just a single floater but that a full "cow patty" is now stuck to the bottom of my bathtub! (gag) "WTF - I can't believe your dad isn't home!!"
I wrap her in a towel and all the way down the hall to the other bathroom I am yelling about how naughty she is for pooping in the tub. She needs to learn to poop on the pot. She's never supposed to poop in the tub. She's very naughty. She replies (in her sing-song voice) "Okay!"
Yes - because it's just that easy!!!
I wash Noah and send him to the hallway to get dressed. I tell him "DO NOT go in the other bathroom!" I wash Natalie and carry her to the hallway to get her pajamas on and see Noah coming out of the other bathroom. Now I start yelling all over again about how he didn't listen!!
"OMG - this is such a disaster!!! I hate your dad!!"
Now, my entire bedroom stinks like an outhouse - thanks Natalie!!!
I send them downstairs and begin the task of cleaning up. My first thought is "Can I leave it until Friday when Dave gets home? How mad will he be? Will it be worth it?" I come to the conclusion that that decision would not be in the best interest of everyone so I decide I have to be the one to clean it up.
I'm hoping I can just dump water on it to break it up (gag) and let it just run down the drain (gag). Um - nope... apparently the "cow patty" consistency doesn't break up (gag). Now I'm gagging so hard I can taste vomit in my mouth and pouring water on it is only succeeding in loosening it from the bottom of the tub. (gag) Now I have a floating cow patty. (gag)
"WTF - I can't touch it! I'll vomit!" (gag)
I find another toy thing that I can scoop (gag) the floating cow patty into the toilet with (gag). I toss the toy into the trash (gag) and finish letting the water drain. I begin to fill the bathtub up with water and pour bleach in the tub. I have to get to a point where I can actually wipe it down without throwing-up so I figure bleach will get it clean enough until I can get to it without vomiting. I think I did the bleach to water ratio all wrong because my entire upstairs reeks of bleach. Oh well - at least it's sanitary!
The kids are sleeping and I'm drinking a cold Miller Lite in an effort to escape my reality.
Cheers to you, Stacy!!!